These are my confessions:

[Well in the end, we can all call a friend, well that's something that I know as true
In a thousand years, and a thousand tears, I'll come finding my original crew
Cause to me throughout eternity there is somewhere we are welcome to go
I said it's something free that means a lot to me, when I'm with my friends I feel home]OAR (because they are here at UF in concert tonight...and because I love my friends)

I don't really know who reads this anymore. I don't post in here that often but I guess that I will now. Read it if you're bored.

I'm getting settled back into classes after that thanksgiving break. I loved being home with everyone. I seriously didn't realize how much my friends meant to me until i went back and things were just awesome. Even seeing, and playing mario kart, with people i haven't gotten along with in the past made me happy. I was looking back at some peoples, and my own, journal entries...back from senior year. I can't believe some of the things that I did. I can't even justify them now. I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. But I'm also thankful for meeting every single person that I did when i came down here to Florida. You all have taught me so much about myself, you tell me when i'm retarded and wrong, and when i need to have more confidence in myself. I think between this time last year and this year I have changed a lot. I'm not the scared girl i used to be. I'm not the one letting people take advantage of me. I'm on my own. I'm doing well. I'm not going to let the chain of events happen again that started around this time last year. I'm finally understanding myself, which is crazy. I'm 18, which is technically an adult. I don't feel like one, but I know I am. I'm on my own up here, making something of myself. And I don't think I'm hurting anyone along the way. I'm really trying guys, you have to give me something for that.

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE life right now, and i love my friends. I can't wait until these two weeks of stressfulness are over, yes that's right...2 more weeks til i'm home!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait until i get home, i seriously need it, like i did this past break. I miss my friends from home already, I want this break to go like the last one.

Giving thanks for my best friends (a little late from thanksgiving i know):
Sarah- you definitly make me patient, and you show me how to take jokes without getting mad. You and I are quite the same about things, we get sick together, we eat together, we live together, we go through everything together. I wish i could be as sweet and kind as you are.
Heather- you have been here for me since mrs.dells class two and a half years ago, we've had some wild times, we've had fights, but you are truly the best friend a girl could ever ask for. I know that we will be friends for so long. I'm so thankful to have met you.
Tracy- you are one of the only people always here for me and without you i'd be lost. I love our dane cook fedish, i love our bike rides, and i love just doing the stupidest things with you. Im so sad that you are so far away, but don't worry i will see you soon.
Dan- you've brought some kind of crazy side out of me, i'm not quite sure what lol, but you're great, i'm sorry things between us aren't always so good, and i haven't treated you the best at times.
Lukey- Without you luke i would never be complete. You are and always will be my best guy friend, from notes in sat class, to parties that we dont remember, to june 22, and even until we move to colorado or california or do something crazy like sky diving and vacations together. I'm sorry i get mad at you when i do.
Lyn- Oh my lynlyn. I'm so glad we became friends through hate of kristen kane at that relay for life. I'm sorry i let you down sometimes, and I'm sorry that sometimes we grow apart. You make me laugh like nobody else can. I can't wait until you come up here and live with me next year :)
Katie- I'm glad that we met through luke and lyndsey. I'm hoping that you come to UF next year because that would be awesome. You are so compassionate and so amazing in most every way, plus you're smart and beautiful. I'm glad that I can be your friend.
Keith and Brian- It's great to be your neighbors. I love doing random things for you lazy boys. You two are like big brothers to me, i'm glad i have you two to watch over me. Plus, you guys always tell me when i'm wrong and psycho. You guys make me laugh until i cry just being yourselves. :)
Sara- My best friend that I talk to the least. Don't think that I've forgotten you. We've drifted apart somewhat, but I can't wait to hang out over winter break, I'll call you don't worry :) You are my most amazing friend because you what you've been through, you're belief in god, and you're perseverance to be the what you are.

[You're everything I wanted
Before I knew just what I wanted
And hey, hey
You're killin' me on the inside
And you're the only one I want
I can't deny] Usher

Oh how I love breaks

let's recap the break...if i can remember

tuesday was our horrific drive down here, we didn't make it home til midnight after leaving at 430, let's just leave it at that...it wasnt so fun

wednesday my mom and i went to bfast and went to get my laptop taken in to be fixed, then trace and i went to the school and saw teachers, then luke kt and i went and walked around the mall, i had dinner with my fam and then went to decorate tracys xmas tree, and then after that i went to see just friends with the crew

thursday was thanksgiving so i woke up and went to the gym and then went home and then to my gparents for food. it was fun, saw my twin baby cousins that are so cute. all in all a good time. after that we went over to pats for his party. (we=me dan lyn luke and kt) and we had some fun there

friday i woke up went to petes place with heather dave pat dan luke lyn and kt, and went to the gym and the pool and then went shopping with my mom and then mason tracy dan pat and my little sister and i went to see harry potter, which was amazing. Then i had dinner at home and then went over to lukes. There were way too many people there to count, and it was amazing times had by all. If any of us have told you stories then you know what happened. I LOVE MY CREW TO DEATH!

i slept over there after many fights and people yelling at lyndsey, which was mean. and then i went home and showered and then went to the pool and layed out. I met lyn at my house at like 2 and we hung out til like 320 when we proceeded to dans house for fball watching. Let's see, who was there: glickman kyle ryan shaun (sp?) lyn luke brett mike dan heather i dunno probably other people but it was fun. The boys played poker and some of us watched the game and ate. I left there to have dinner with my family at CPK and then we walked the mall. I went home and played mario kart with my sister for an hour and then went and picked dan up. Searched the house for his wallet and also blockbuster and then we went to lukes. Glickman and brett played cards and then decided to leave so they did. Then kyle kt dan lyn and i played mario kart which was fun again. Lyn left, so the rest of us had brownies and just talked and then watched some of jay and silent bob strike back. At around 2 i drove kyle and dan home. I'm not sure why, i know kyle still hates me, but for some reason things weren't SO bad between us.

All in all, this was an amazing break. I can't wait to come back in about 2 weeks. I missed everyone so much, i have SUCH an awesome group of friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all for now. I must drive back to gville with dan tomorrow morning :( too long of a drive.

where are you when I need you?

[I’ve given up, I’m giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate...

...And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair...

...I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And i'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape] good ole Relient K

I feel like writing before I go to sleep. I don't know why I'm going to go to sleep so early. I guess I have nothing else to do but sit here with Sarah. But she has other things to tend to, like Kyle and stuff. And most of that just makes me feel that much more alone. I've come to the conclusion that there are times when i just can't ever find any alone time and it makes me mad, and there are times when ALL i want is to NOT be alone...and that just makes me sad. I hate this feeling, and I thought that someone finally understood how I felt, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of being so patient, and I'm tired of being me. Because apparently it's not good enough. I just want that one person that I can tell everything to, and cry to, sing on the phone to, be stupid around, cuddle with. I just want that person that makes me smile, and I can't seem to find it. But everyone else does. I can only pretend to be so strong most of the time, or when i'm around everyone. I can be fine when people are around. But when it's just me, like tonight, or when i'm trying to fall asleep, I get sad. Not a hurt kind of sad. A lonely, i don't know what to do with myself, helpless sad.

I'm tired of it all. I just want to go home and sleep in my bed and be with my family and jakey and our beautiful new fish tank with our nemo fish. I want to be with tracy and heather cause they know me better than everyone else. I want to drive around west palm like we used to, with nowhere special in mind...or just walking around the mall EVERYDAY...jamba juice, the movies, city place, partys at lukes, our random ideas. All of it, I really miss it. But I know it won't be that way when I get back. I hope it will be as amazing as I need it to be.

I know most of this probably doesn't make sense, seeing as it's my random thoughts in no specific order, and I don't go back and read through it to make it make sense. It loses all of its purpose if I do that. I like being like Stephen Dedalus from portrait of the artist...yeah. Sorry to all of you that I've hurt the past few days or ignored. I'll get better soon. It's just one of those times where I can't get my mind off the inevitable.

dear future,
help me out here, it's the least you could do...
-Brooke

my friends fucking suck

missin' home

I guess i haven't written in here in awhile. things are going amazing. tallahassee was SO much fun, and I can't wait to go home next tuesday night!!!! i miss everyone so much and i get to see tracy lyn kt heather and david and my family. im very very excited. I'm thinking things are starting to go my way, and i'm hoping that they do.

Today i did an insane amount of physical activity. It was fun. I like working out. It makes me happy.

[Baby I'll take my chances with you]

i may hate myself in the morning

Okay so i'm leaving for tallahassee today at around 3 with sarah, i can't wait. It should be really fun. I won't have to worry about much, it seems so relaxing. Plus the car rides gonna be pretty funny :P Y'all must give me a call this weekend. Especially if you go to FSU, then we can chill friday night :)

p.s i'm starting to get my hopes up. i don't want to be let down

and I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine....

Umm. I suppose i'm starting to get over brian. Which is good right? I want to like other guys, ones that will treat me really well, but I don't attract those kinds of guys. I just don't want to get hurt. Not only do I not want to be lonely anymore, but I don't want him to be lonely anymore. If that makes any sense to you then good, if you have no idea what i'm talking about then you shouldn't be reading this anyway.

I want things to go well, but I hate going through the whole awkward period and stuff like that. I just want things to go well, let something good happen for me once! please? Damn damn damn, i'm doing so well. I don't even know what I want anymore. I just want to be happy. Can you do that for me?

[i know im just a fool whos willing
to sit around and wait for you.
but baby can't you see, theres nothing else for me to do.
im hopelessly devoted to you.

but now
theres nowhere to hide, since you pushed my love aside.
im out of my head,
hopelessly devoted to you,
hopelessly devoted to you,
hopelessly devoted to you.

my head is saying, fool, forget him
my heart is saying don't let go.
hold on to the end, thats what i intend to do.
hopelessly devoted to you] grease

i don't know what to do....seriously. this is hard for me. it only took me
2 and a half months to realize i don't really like being single. i thought i
did for awhile. but sometimes its sad living like this. things will work
out for me eventually, i just don't know when.

i found the cure to getting older

Okay, so it seems like my life is full up ups and downs, repeatedly. I'll be really happy and one thing will bring me down, but things always seem to work themselves out. Right now, despite how lonely i may think i am, i enjoy how my life is. Things are going fine with Diana, we talk more, she smiles, and i like getting along. Things with sarah are great, even though she has her downs, shes opening up to me more...and so am i i guess. And she looks out for me, we've never gotten in a fight lol, which would be bad considering we live together. But seriously, i haven't gotten along with any other girl as well as Sarah, okay Lindsey too cause shes so harmless. Sarah is gone and i miss her. Gosh i love brittany too. I woke up this morning and she left me a message....as a screen saver, and it was something about the toothbrushes being by the tv lol. She never ceases to make me laugh. And I'm glad that she's happy now too, after last night....and hopefully today. That sums up everything going on in my room. The boys almost set the fire alarm off last night, well...brian almost did. They are so funny. Without them and sarah and brittany i would probably be so sad. Brian randomly came over and hung out with me yesterday and it was good i must say. I like how things are going with him. I like that I can be his friend, and I like that he still wants to be mine. Let's hope things continue to go this way. Mmm what else is going on, okay old friends. I miss lukey a lot, but he has a new gf so it's understandable. I hang out with luke and mike and nick sometimes and sometimes even warner. There's nothing really going on there. Back home i think lyndseys having some problems and I hope they work out for her cause i miss her. And Tracy is mad at me. I don't know why, and if i honestly did something i'd be sorry. I just wish she would talk to me.

I had a long talk with a friend last night, and it made me realize something. But because of the talk i'm not so sad anymore. I was only sad last night for a little bit, but now i'm better. See, everything works itself out.

So this weekend is completely unplanned, it's going to be random, it's going to be fun....anddddd we'll see what happens. :)

xoxo brooke