where are you when I need you?

[I’ve given up, I’m giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate...

...And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair...

...I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And i'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape] good ole Relient K

I feel like writing before I go to sleep. I don't know why I'm going to go to sleep so early. I guess I have nothing else to do but sit here with Sarah. But she has other things to tend to, like Kyle and stuff. And most of that just makes me feel that much more alone. I've come to the conclusion that there are times when i just can't ever find any alone time and it makes me mad, and there are times when ALL i want is to NOT be alone...and that just makes me sad. I hate this feeling, and I thought that someone finally understood how I felt, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of being so patient, and I'm tired of being me. Because apparently it's not good enough. I just want that one person that I can tell everything to, and cry to, sing on the phone to, be stupid around, cuddle with. I just want that person that makes me smile, and I can't seem to find it. But everyone else does. I can only pretend to be so strong most of the time, or when i'm around everyone. I can be fine when people are around. But when it's just me, like tonight, or when i'm trying to fall asleep, I get sad. Not a hurt kind of sad. A lonely, i don't know what to do with myself, helpless sad.

I'm tired of it all. I just want to go home and sleep in my bed and be with my family and jakey and our beautiful new fish tank with our nemo fish. I want to be with tracy and heather cause they know me better than everyone else. I want to drive around west palm like we used to, with nowhere special in mind...or just walking around the mall EVERYDAY...jamba juice, the movies, city place, partys at lukes, our random ideas. All of it, I really miss it. But I know it won't be that way when I get back. I hope it will be as amazing as I need it to be.

I know most of this probably doesn't make sense, seeing as it's my random thoughts in no specific order, and I don't go back and read through it to make it make sense. It loses all of its purpose if I do that. I like being like Stephen Dedalus from portrait of the artist...yeah. Sorry to all of you that I've hurt the past few days or ignored. I'll get better soon. It's just one of those times where I can't get my mind off the inevitable.

dear future,
help me out here, it's the least you could do...
-Brooke

my friends fucking suck