This isn't for you, this is for me

It is currently 10:16 AM. I mean, I know I should catch up on some sleep that i've been losing. You know those nights where you keep changing the way that you lay but no matter how hard you try, there is no way that you can fall asleep. I've had two of those nights, consecutively. Two nights where your body is so out of it's mind that it is so malicious and evil. It wants you to stay awake, because if you stay awake then you think. How crazy is that? Your body making you think. That just seems absurd, but it's how it feels. It feels wrong. It's not even a bad wrong. I don't know if there is a good wrong. A wrong that feels right? Hmm.

Last night after the whole keith-kyle thing occurred and after i talked to luke, it made me think. Guys are very protective. At times it can be amazing, when you need it. But other times, when it's out of place, it can suck. Like the boys-kyle thing. They don't know sarah or anything that happens between her and kyle, granted neither do i, but i know more than they do. He makes her happy, that is all that matters. I have no right to say anything to sarah about it unless she asks. The boys however take matters into their own hands. I feel bad that I didn't stop keith, because now look at what happened. It made me remember when i was going out with tom, and especially since luke brought it up. He was trying to make me feel bad telling me how i took too much crap. Well i don't see you in a year long relationship do i? How could you know? All of the bullshit that comes along with a relationship is worth it in the end. I'm proud of sarah for not listening to the boys on the subject matter of that one, and brittany too...because she's still with ahmed isn't she? I wasn't strong enough to think for myself, so i always ended up breaking up with tom, because of what other people said to me about his and my relationship. I'm growing past that though. I've known what I want. It hasn't changed. No matter how wrong or pointless it could be, i haven't changed. Sarah said something to me the other day. Something about seeing how long it takes. Waiting as long as you have to. I really didn't think I could. But i haven't faltered yet. Over a month is a long time alone, but it's worth it when you get what you want.

I could back down and pretend like I don't have the feelings that I do. But that's too hard for me. Much harder than doing what I need to. I've always pondered this question: What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying, is the reason you cried? Sarah and I talked last night, we were both sad. I told her that it was so ironic that she is sad because kyle is so far away, but brian being so close makes me sad. Is there a middle ground? Is there a way to solve this all? No I don't think so, you just have to fight it out til the end.

This is going to be a long year I can tell. A long, fun, scary, dangerous year. Can't wait.

[if only she knew what to do...
relax with you
and let myself get lost in your smile
well i could lose it all for awhile
oh my dear you know its true] O.A.R

<3
Brooke