and it's all downhill from here

I want to have a good day. A really amazing, floating-on-air feeling, day. A day where i don't have worries, i don't have to think, and don't have duties. It seems that for the longest time all that I have seen are bad days, with a few sporadic wonderful days. But none of those amazing ones that i so badly need. I just want ONE of those days, where I can lay down and relax and feel loved and special, and read or watch movies all day, kiss kyle whenever i want, and not have to worry. It seems like I have so many worries these days, and when one is taken care of, another two or three are waiting to be unleashed. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love my life, my family, and my friends. I don't live my life for myself, I live it in order to make others happy, because that is what makes me happy. And then once in awhile I get this strange feeling that i'm not appreciated, like myself and all of my efforts are invisible. I can't take that feeling. This is why I need an amazing day.

I wouldn't call this feeling depression, i don't know what i would call it...inadequecy? Falling short of everyone's as well as my own expectations? I don't know really. The other day sarah keith brian and i were just hanging out until really late. And I said something about catching brian if he was going to fall off of the bed, and he said "that's why i love you". Now...i did have feelings for brian awhile ago and if he had said that at that point in time, yes, i would have taken that in a different way. But just hearing him say something like that, and him appreciating the stuff that i do for him, made my day just a little bit better.

I guess I need to be a little happier than i allow myself to be, and maybe one day i might just have one of those rediculously amazing days that i'm thinking about.

I wrote another entry earlier, and it was darker and meaner than this one and then i deleted it and wrote it over again, because that is all it really takes. I'm mostly over what was making me angry earlier.

[Catalyst you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here]